Looking for Love in All the Right Places
The number of single people over the age of 50 is at an all-time high, due to rising divorce rates, increased life expectancy and other factors. As a result, unprecedented numbers of middle-aged and older singles are re-entering, or considering joining, the dating circuit in search of love and companionship.

But how and where to begin?

"Getting back into dating is a daunting prospect for many older people, particularly if they haven’t had to play this game in a long time," says Tom Blake, an author and newspaper columnist who specializes in advice for midlife and older singles. "I hear all the time from widows, divorcees and other older singles who are lonely and want to meet people but say they don't know how to get started or where to go."

The first step, explains Blake, is to get off the couch and out of the house. "It's easier and more comfortable to stay at home, but you're never going to meet that someone special if all you do is stay at home," he says.

Next it's time to find the right place to go. Like many dating experts, Blake advises singles to get involved with hobbies and other activities they enjoy. "I always tell people to do the activities they always wanted to do and to research where they can do these things in their communities," he says. "If you like ballroom dancing, find out where you can go dancing. If you enjoy hiking, join a hiking club or group. If you enjoy exercise, join a gym or health club. This is one of the best ways to meet people with similar interests."

"Spending time with people who share your interests is fun and it's more important than going out just to meet a mate," Blake adds.

Tennis anyone? Activities like tennis provide a way to meet people.

Parties are another great place for singles to meet. "If you get invited to a party thrown by friends or other people you know, you should definitely go," says Rich Gosse, the founder of American Singles Education, Inc. (ASEI), a non-profit organization that sponsors educational and social events for singles. "Parties provide a natural, unthreatening way to meet people. And the chances are usually pretty good that there will be a good ratio of men and women."

Singles functions offered at community centers, churches, synagogues, senior centers and other organizations also give singles a chance to meet. "These events provide a safe and secure environment where people tend to share some of the same interests and experiences," says Shiva Schulz, adult programs manager at the Jewish Community Center of San Francisco. The center’s 55+ singles group meets monthly for dinner, theatre outings and other events. "Our events are fun and the group setting alleviates some of the fears people have about dating. It's not a meat market."

Online dating services offer yet another way for singles to click with another person. As Internet use among midlife and older adults has increased, dozens of online dating services aimed at people over 50 have sprung up.

"You should be cautious when dealing with strangers you connect with over the Internet," says Blake. "But I've heard of quite a few success stories of people who met through these websites, including some situations where the people were living in the same neighborhood but never would have met if not for the Internet."

In addition, says Gosse, the Bay Area has hundreds of singles groups and functions, like the ones ASEI sponsors. “Most of the people who attend our events are 50 and older, he says. "Younger people have other ways to meet each other. They don't need groups like ours as much."

Like most experts, Gosse thinks success in the dating game boils down to attitude. "The greatest obstacle people have is psychological," he says. "A lot of people just think they're too old to meet other people. If they can knock that chip off their shoulder, then age is not a barrier."

"We're never too old to find love or to feel chemistry," Blake agrees. The key, he says, is to remain approachable and to have realistic expectations. "A warm smile breaks down barriers and opens a lot of doors."

Tom Blake's advice for mid-life and older singles can be found at www.findingloveafter50.com. Information about the singles functions sponsored by American Singles Education, Inc. can be found at www.thepartyhotline.com and in the group's widely distributed "Possibilities" newsletter. For information about singles events at the Jewish Community Center of San Francisco, see www.jccsf.org.

(This article originally appeared in the Fall 2004 issue of Bay Area Summit)